Let’s talk about nipples for a moment. Bear with me, this intro is actually relevant. Certain people seem to be fascinated with nipples. Penn and Teller can’t go more then a single episode of their television show Bullsh!t without showing some of the female variety and my girlfriend can’t go more then a night without threatening mine.

Now before you start thinking I am telling some lurid tale of our bedroom escapades let me reassure you that this fascination of hers has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with dominance. You see many social animal species have varying ways to determine which animals are the dominant ones in the group. Dogs will often physically stand over another to show their dominance, and my girlfriend’s way of “putting her leg over me” and all of her previous boyfriends was to attack their nipples.

It wasn’t long after we started dating that I discovered this rather awful trait of hers. It is violent, uncaring and abusive behavior so I did what her other boyfriends were to frightened to do, I banned her from touching my nipples. It didn’t matter what the context was, any physical contact or even an attempt at such would be met with a swift rebuke.

You see her other boyfriends were scared of her and how she might retaliate if they attempted to gain any form of dominance in the relationship. Would she become more violent? Perhaps even threaten body parts more necessary then male nipples? No, she buckled like a belt at my authority.

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