After watching a few relatively well known, though in-famously so, films I thought it would be nice to seek out a rather obscure film to watch, since probably no one else has. I decided to focus on a film about a dog. An angry dog. A human hating dog. That wants to kill old women, babies and possibly his burgeoning neo-Nazi owner. As an added bonus, the entire film is narrated by this very same dog. Let’s call him Baxter.

Pardon the ridiculous song playing over the trailer, but this was the best I could find.

This weekend I traveled to my elder sister’s house for a pig roast. The reason for this event is that my younger sister will be getting married next month and the two soon to be joined families were getting together to celebrate. It was to be a day of food, family and binge drinking. Unfortunately, I had to close the day before the big gala, which meant I would get home after midnight only to get up seven hours later so I could drive five hours to southern Wisconsin. It wasn’t exactly one of my better ideas, but I didn’t have many options.

Now I’m sure you might be wondering why Anna doesn’t drive and it is a pretty simple answer, she doesn’t. You see we have this rule (Well, it’s her rule which means it is my rule) that she drives when we go visit her family, and I drive when we visit mine. This leads to some disparity in the hours logged behind the wheel for a few reasons. First, her family only lives two hours away in Brainerd, MN. None of my relatives are any closer then five hours away. Second, she doesn’t drive during inclement weather be it rain, sleet or the evening.

Perhaps you might have caught as to how these rules might limit the potential to fairly allocate our drive time. You would have caught this because I informed you about the issue beforehand. Basically, unless it is a sunny day while we are driving to Brainerd, Anna isn’t driving. It doesn’t matter if I only got a few hours of sleep or if I have had an appendage lopped off, the driving is all on me.

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Let’s talk about nipples for a moment. Bear with me, this intro is actually relevant. Certain people seem to be fascinated with nipples. Penn and Teller can’t go more then a single episode of their television show Bullsh!t without showing some of the female variety and my girlfriend can’t go more then a night without threatening mine.

Now before you start thinking I am telling some lurid tale of our bedroom escapades let me reassure you that this fascination of hers has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with dominance. You see many social animal species have varying ways to determine which animals are the dominant ones in the group. Dogs will often physically stand over another to show their dominance, and my girlfriend’s way of “putting her leg over me” and all of her previous boyfriends was to attack their nipples.

It wasn’t long after we started dating that I discovered this rather awful trait of hers. It is violent, uncaring and abusive behavior so I did what her other boyfriends were to frightened to do, I banned her from touching my nipples. It didn’t matter what the context was, any physical contact or even an attempt at such would be met with a swift rebuke.

You see her other boyfriends were scared of her and how she might retaliate if they attempted to gain any form of dominance in the relationship. Would she become more violent? Perhaps even threaten body parts more necessary then male nipples? No, she buckled like a belt at my authority.

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After last week’s hijacking of the column in favor of hanging out with some old friends I knew this week I could have no excuse for not writing a review on Vampyr. Sure the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Film Festival opened this week but that wouldn’t get in my way. Yes, the multiplexes actually had a small handful of potentially decent movies for me to watch but that couldn’t possibly get in my way. And sure, I had a screening of the uncut version of The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly that I simply had to go to and Manda Bala burning up my Netflix queue but those were mere distractions while I prepared myself for Vampyr. Awesome distractions to be sure but they shouldn’t do anything more then slow me down. Then Ben Folds had to go and muck up my whole plans.

You see my girlfriend bought tickets to go see Ben Folds in concert this past Saturday night but somewhere along the way both of us, along with a friend of ours, somehow mistook the concert venue of St. Peter, Minnesota for St. Paul, Minnesota. We didn’t really think much of it at first, but once we MapQuested it we saw the error of our ways. See St. Peter, Minnesota was over an hour south of the Twin Cities. Needless to say this had a rather large effect on our plans.

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When people think Carl Theodor Dreyer they think, “Who?” Which inevitably leads me to trying to mention The Passion of Joan of Arc to help them recall the name. A film which, let’s face it, the majority of people have never watched. So this week I dig up the Dutch filmmaker’s first “talkie”. Thankfully it’s about vampires, so it has way more appeal then any legitimate historical figure could ever hope to garner. And since their doesn’t seem to be a trailer for the film any where on the Internerd, I’ve decided that I will simply use Massive Attack’s video for Angel, which is set entirely to scenes from the film Vampyr, to act as the preview.