Unfortunately for Anna she works in retail. This means she already has to deal with the looming threat of Christmas, as even now retail stores are beginning to shuffle Christmas themed merchandise onto the shelves, thus allowing the holiday’s yuletide reach to skip right past Thanksgiving, leapfrog Halloween and nestle right up next to Labor Day.

Luckily for her she has a totally righteous boyfriend. For our younger viewers righteous is not being used in a religious sense (though I would argue that I’m divine as well) but rather it is 80’s for 1337. But the point of this introduction is not about me claiming I rule, but by proving it. You see this week I decided to give Anna an early Christmas present.

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Next week I review yet another hard to find independent film. That is until its recent release on DVD. Now everyone will have the chance o watch and marvel over the combination of claymation and Edgar Allen Poe in a most perfect union. That’s because next week’s film is Ray Harryhausen Presents: The Pit and the Pendulum.

Normally I would have a long and completely unnecessary introduction before I dive into one of my reviews. I do this for several reasons, as primarily it provides me with an opportunity to write about whatever I choose and then hopefully find a novel way of tying it to the movie I watched and am reviewing. I like to think of it as flexing my creative muscles, but Anna pretty much thinks it is me showing off.

The other reason I write my reviews this way is because I want to use a style that is different then anything else you might have read. My experiences tie heavily into how I view a film, and by providing you the reader with insight into them it is my hope that it present you with a unique opportunity to see just what makes my brain tick. Or maybe not. It isn’t much more then a theory at this point.

But Starcrash is an entirely different animal then most of the other films I have watched for this site. For one, it stars David Hasselhoff, a man who I am powerless to resist. His very presence turns even the worst film or television show into an irresistible elixir. I knew going in to this screening there was no way I could ever hate this film, but what I was not expecting to endure what I could only describe as an utterly transcendent experience.

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I don’t know if this has happened to other people, but I’ve been traumatized more then once by movies when I was a child. Now sure, most people will talk about how Poltergeist forever put them off clowns, but I’m trying to crawl into my past to point out some of the more ridiculous things that scared me as a child. And well, clowns were creepy to begin with. My own personal belief is that their painted on smiles trigger that ancient residual instinct from when we viewed teeth as a threat. But I am rambling.

The first time I ever had the pants scared off of me by a movie would have been around 1980. The event is still fresh in my mind, which probably means it is 100% inaccurate. It was early in the afternoon and my mom was at home. You see, is the distant past families were once able to survive on only one income. Quaint, to be sure. Nowadays people like that would most certainly be labeled lazy, a drain on society, or worse yet, Democrats. But I am rambling. (more…)