When I started writing TOO SOON, one of my goals was to revisit some of the movies from my childhood to see how they hold up years, sometimes decades, later. I did it once already with Alone in the Dark, with mixed results. I always had one particular movie in mind when I began; however, locating the movie has been particularly challenging. It’s amazing to me how certain movies slip away without so much as an IMDB entry, and others just won’t go away, like that last – and almost certainly uninvited – guest at your birthday party. And while I’ve been more than happy to be that guest over the years, none of it comes close to the happiness I felt this week as I was finally able to sit down and watch the 1987 classic The Video Dead. 

Instead of simply reviewing the movie, I wrote a commentary while watching the movie for the first time in fifteen years. Even if you’ve never seen The Video Dead, you’ll be able to follow along just fine, as this piece is not only a blow-by-blow look at this forgotten zombie classic, but possibly one of the most in-depth pieces ever written about all things TVD. In fact, if I put the same amount of energy I put into writing this piece into my PhD work, I probably would have finished it years ago.

Despite the international entries into the genre, there is something deeply American about zombie stories. You can see how Edgar Allan Poe flirted with the idea in his work, and how H.P. Lovecraft hesitantly embraced it in his stories. Sure, at its most basic level, the zombie represents our fear of death and how we need to confront it, sooner rather than later; however, there’s something deeply troubling about fighting an enemy that is us, and no matter how hard you fight, inevitably, you will become one of them. And its lack of ideology makes it even more horrifying; the starkness in its complete lack of ambiguity is disconcerting for a culture who believes “there’s always a way.” There is no way to reach an agreement with a zombie, and they will not compromise; to end the nightmare, you must either become the monster philosophically or become the monster physically. This is why the best zombie movies are such downers, because by winning, the heroes of the story must lose, whether it’s their sanity, their honor, or their principles. This sort of resolution is what truly horrifies us Americans, and it is what good zombie stories do better than other kinds of horror stories.  

The Video Dead effectively manages to completely piss on all of the aforementioned ideas. Normally this would bother me; however, the movie is so nonsensical and reckless, I can’t help but love it, flaws and all. 

The movie begins with Henry Jordan (Michael St. Michaels), who is woken by two delivery men delivering a television in a wooden crate. Horror movies teach us many things, and one of the most basic lessons is that wooden crates never transport good things. If Jordan had opened the crate to discover a cute bunny doll, we know with certainty that the bunny doll will turn evil and kill him. But it’s a TV; how bad can it be?

Jordan, who we learn is a writer from the way he slowly taps on his typewriter in his kitchen, discovers that the TV comes on by itself and shows a zombie movie. Despite numerous attempts at turning the television off, it always comes back on by itself. The man finally unplugs the television and goes to bed. Why the television is plugged into the wall is a mystery, since this contradicts the little character development we are given just moments before when the man exclaims, “Who the hell would send me a TV? I don’t even watch TV!” Naturally, unplugging the television does not work. To make matters worse, this is no ordinary zombie movie; instead, it is a zombie movie where the zombie keeps looking at the camera. And before you can scream “METAFICTION!”, zombies start coming out of the TV.

Later, the aforementioned delivery men return to Jordan’s house after it’s discovered that the TV should have been delivered to, I kid you not, the Institute to the Studies of the Occult. When they arrive, the Riggs and Murtough of delivery men have the following exchange:

White Delivery Man: “Do you want to handle this or should I?”

Black Delivery Man: “We’re still a team, aren’t we?”

It’s a beautiful bit of character work and sets the stage for what could have been numerous prequels. All of this is quickly swept under the rug as the delivery men nonchalantly discover Jordan’s corpse. It cannot be stressed enough how casually they act when they find his body. It almost feels like this was the third or fourth body they found that morning. The zombies, it seems, have killed Jordan by cutting his throat. However, these sinister ghouls were not satisfied with that; no, to add insult to injury, they put a cigarette in his mouth and flowers in his hair. The delivery men slowly close the door, and suddenly, it’s THREE MONTHS LATER.

A moving truck arrives at Jordan’s house with a taxi in tow. The passenger is a woman who is asleep, listening to headphones, much like we do in the future. This is Zoe Blair (Roxanna Augesen), and she is the new owner because the camera shows her holding the house key in her hand. The taxi driver wakes her up. The fare is $23.60 (symbolism?).

From the front of the house, it is clear that she lives in a nice residential neighborhood. However, when looking out the back window, it is revealed that the house is actually in the middle of the wilderness, with infinite mountains and jungles and animal noises. Interestingly enough, it takes the two movers five minutes to unpack the truck.

Her brother Jeff (Rocky Duvall) arrives by way of the forest. We only get to see his feet as he approaches the house. We are to believe that he is a zombie from the way his feet shuffle, but apparently he was temporarily crippled from the waist down or his feet fell asleep.  It is never explained properly.

Over dinner, Jeff and Zoe have, what is apparently, their first conversation ever, as they speak the international language known as exposition. We learn a lot. Their parents are moving back to the States from Saudi Arabia and have apparently neglected them since birth. We also learn that Zoe is in town to attend university, majoring in Aerobics. When the brother guffaws at this, she says, “It may not be higher education, but it’s a degree, Jeff! And I’m taking it very seriously.” He responds, “I’m almost afraid to ask you what your minor is.” And she says, “Music videos.”

Man, I miss the Eighties!

A cowboy named Joshua Daniels (Samuel David McClelland) arrives from Texas. Jeff is woken up by the knocking (like Jordan before him with the delivery men). He is inquiring about the mixed up package that left Jordan dead, “It looks like an ordinary TV set, but it isn’t. A lot of lives will be lost if it isn’t found.” Jeff says, “I forgot to brush my teeth,” and closes the door. When Zoe asks who it was, Jeff tells her it was some guy trying to sell him a TV or something.

The TV is in the attic and it turns itself on. A blonde woman on the TV calls Jeff to come to the attic and make love to her. Jeff comes running up the attic as fast as he can, his legs neither crippled nor asleep. He joyfully brings the TV downstairs to show Zoe. Jeff does not make the connection that the TV might have something to do with the cowboy who was talking about the TV just moments earlier. This is happening because the writer (and producer and director) Robert Scott has decided that Jeff is not ready to know.

We are introduced to a neighbor named April, who is Jeff’s age, and a black poodle named Chocolate (Bachelor in a cameo role). Jeff invites them into the house for a glass of water. The poodle is taken off the leash and ends up running into the vast wilderness outside. The dog runs into a set of legs. Wait a minute. What’s Jeff doing out in the woods? Oh, it’s a real zombie this time. Chocolate’s cries can be heard for miles, and alerts Jeff and April that something is amiss. April, however, is not concerned about Chocolate being eaten by a zombie, but rather, Chocolate making sweet, sweet love to a skunk. This is followed by a minute montage of Jeff and April screaming “Chocolate!” over and over in the woods.

While searching for Chocolate, April informs Jeff that he lives in the “murder house”. Jeff is upset by this.  Apparently “a pretty famous writer” (I knew it!) was murdered there. “In our house? Come on, this is a joke, right?” asks Jeff. April, understanding that Jeff has a weak constitution for famous dead writers, says, “Uh, I think we better keep looking out for the dog.”

They find Chocolate dead. Jeff, by quickly glancing at the dog, determines that it’s a heart attack. April screams out, “My goose is cooked. I could get reform school for this!” Chocolate, it is learned, is not her dog. She is watching it for someone else.  Meanwhile, the zombie – Chocolate killer! – is watching them from only ten feet away! In this reality, zombies are as odorless as they are silent. Jeff comes up with a clever plan to make it look like Chocolate died by swallowing a ball and not a zombie attack. This plan involves physically shoving a ball down Chocolate’s mouth. Surprisingly, this is not shown. April is relieved.

Later, Jeff calls April at her house. She tells him that the plan worked and that she will make it up to Jeff by allowing him to place his penis inside of her body. She finishes the call with: “Anyway, you’re not going to believe this. My dad is sleeping with the maid! It’s so gross. Anyway, I got to go. Call me tomorrow.”

Jeff plugs in the television. The zombie movie is on. Jeff lights up a joint. The blonde woman from before shows up on the TV again and starts having a conversation with Jeff. She suddenly appears in the room and removes her clothes, as woman from TV are prone to do. “I can’t believe this is really happening,” says Jeff.  She tells him she’s been waiting a long time for this moment. They kiss. And then she is back inside the TV. She teases him until a man comes from behind and kills her. He looks like a drunk uncle. He tells Jeff that he doesn’t know what he’s messing with.  “They call me the Garbage Man,” he tells Jeff, “I dispose of human garbage.” He warns Jeff that he’s in danger and to be careful. The Garbage Man tells Jeff to lock the TV in the basement and to put a mirror next to the screen. This experience convinces Jeff to quit drugs and he flushes his marijuana down the toilet.

Jeff wakes up the next morning and sees the TV woman’s clothes on his floor. Despite all that happened the night before, this is all he needs to see the truth. He quickly takes the TV to the basement and leans a mirror against it. While he fumbles with some masking tape, smoke comes out of the TV and a zombie arm tries to grab Jeff. He reaches for an axe and cuts off the zombie hand. The TV begins to bleed. “Oh, God,” says Jeff calmly, “I must be losing my mind.”

Jeff decides to use the garbage disposal in the kitchen sink to get rid of the zombie hand. Zoe comes into the kitchen and says he’s acting strange. Naturally, Jeff doesn’t tell her the truth. “You’re acting strange,” she says. Jeff counters, “That’s the way I am. I’m a strange person.”

April is leaving for school. Her father is sleeping with the maid. SO GROSS! After she leaves home, a bunch of zombies come into the house. Why this house? One of the zombies is in a wedding dress. Bride Zombie finds a wig in the bathroom and puts it on. She freaks out when she sees her reflection. Some of the zombies sit at the dining room table, while others look at the family photographs. Bride Zombie becomes fascinated with the blender. When she turns it on, her and another zombie laugh. The sound wakes up the maid. When she comes downstairs, the zombies attack her. She retaliates by impaling an iron into the zombie’s brain. In an ironic twist of fate, the iron – a clear symbol of oppression towards the immigrant servant – becomes her salvation. The maid is free, not only from the zombie, but from the domination that has hampered her from establishing her own cultural identity, and she will – never mind, she’s dead! Then the zombies, clearly upset at a man who uses his position of power to elicit sexual favors, kill April’s father on his bed of manipulation.

We now go to April’s neighbor’s house, where a woman is cooking Coconut Fudge Delights while listening to a radio cooking show. Do people really do this? Amazingly enough, this is the first time in 39 minutes of watching that I cannot suspend my disbelief. For those baking along at home, the recipe is:

1 cup flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 whole eggs

1 egg yolk

Sadly, we never get the rest of the recipe because the woman goes to check on the laundry. Bride Zombie pops out of the washing machine and kills her. The zombies find delight in watching the woman’s body spin in the washing machine. The woman’s husband, who had been in the next room reading a newspaper and having a one-way conversation with her, is killed as well.

April comes home. From outside, we hear her screaming. Back at the Blair house, Jeff and Zoe hear sirens. “Sounds like they’re heading for the end of the road,” says Zoe. Jeff immediately jumps up, inexplicably shouting, “APRIL!” Jeff runs down the road to April’s house. He finds April in her home, crying. She tells him her parents are dead, but not how or why. He says, “You have to get out of here, someplace safe.” April says, “What about the police?” Jeff, who has no way of making the connection between the zombie in his TV and these murders, says it will be a long time before the police figure this one out. April cries harder and they hug.

April is now at Jeff and Zoe’s house. April is talking about how ten years from now, this will be a memory. The cowboy, Daniels, rings the doorbell. Despite knowing nothing about the murders, he says, “I’m just about the only chance y’all got!” April asks, “Does he know something about the murders?” Zoe looks on dumbfounded. From outside, zombies are approaching the house.  We cut back to Daniels, who says, “There ain’t no doubt about it. It was the video dead!” Zoe is annoyed and wants to know what’s going on.

Daniels tells his story about getting the TV at a garage sale, and how the TV gets into your brain and plays tricks. Zoe doesn’t believe any of this. “Listen, sister, the slaughter’s begun already,” says Daniels, “If you look the other way, you might just end up getting a nice sized bite taken out of your rear end!” Zoe is pissed off now because you can’t argue Daniels’ sound logic. It’s all dramatic stuff. April tells them to stop it, that she can’t take it anymore. Zoe takes her upstairs.

April decides to take a bath, because that is what you do when your father and his maid are murdered. But first, she needs to brush her teeth! She brushes her teeth furiously while having flashbacks to her father’s murder that she did not witness. She spits out some blood from her frantic brushing and sees a zombie behind her. And just like Mary Shelley’s Victor Frankenstein, she passes out. The zombie appears confused by this.

Zoe tells Jeff that she wants Daniels and “his video dead out of here” before April is finished with her bath. I suspect that all of this is interfering with her aerobics homework. Zoe then sees the zombie carrying April out of the house. The zombie notices Zoe is watching him, so he drops April and starts walking back to the house. Zoe, quietly, so not to disturb Daniels and Jeff, bolts for the door and closes it. She is now a believer. She slowly walks backwards to the living room and tells them that April is gone. Jeff wants to rescue April. But Daniels stops him and says, “I’m here to end this once and for all, and I’m counting on you for a little help.” Like Zoe before him, Jeff learns that you simply cannot argue with the cowboy. Daniels orders them to find some mirrors.

Later, Daniels tells them they are going to wait until sun up because “if you are going on a hunt, you have to be able to see what you’re after.” I’m fairly certain this is in The Art of War. Zoe wants to call the police. Daniels laughs and tells her that the police won’t believe her. Jeff says, “He’s got a point.” Daniels explains how the mirrors work. The dead don’t like looking at themselves. Fair enough. He then explains how to stop the zombies. Daniels says there are two ways:

#1: “The first is to trap them in a place in which there is absolutely no escape. Then they go crazy. Eat themselves.”

#2: “The other way is much more simple. Since they think they alive, by attacking, like you would the living, with guns, knives, anything. At times, they can actually be convinced they’re dead.”

I love how these rules can also apply to normal people. And it’s also interesting that the whole traditional shooting them in the head tactic is never mentioned or used.

Everyone is sleeping. Zoe wakes up to see a zombie munching on a hand. She looks at her arm and sees that it is her hand. She screams. BUT IT WAS ONLY A DREAM! She wakes up relieved. The sun is up. Daniels is ready to go hunting with Jeff, who promises her that he’ll come back. “Come on, you’re making a big deal about nothing,” he says. You have to wonder, what qualifies for “something” with Jeff if having to fight a horde of zombies to rescue a kidnapped girl is “nothing”?

Daniels and Jeff are in the woods. Jeff comments on Daniels’ cowboy hat. A zombie is following them. Daniels and Jeff bond. Jeff goes to take a leak and sees the zombie. He gets his bow and arrow. He misses twice and then hits the zombie three times. The zombie has fallen, but is still alive. “I got one. I actually got one!” Jeff proclaims. Daniels removes a chainsaw from his bag. It should be noted that the bag is similar to Doctor Who’s pockets and apparently can hold an infinite amount of items. Jeff becomes way too excited and explains how his absolute favorite horror movie is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. “I’ve seen it six times!” he says. Because of this, Jeff insists that he be the one to finish the zombie with the chainsaw. He then slowly and methodically cuts the zombie in half while Daniels cheers him on. I can only hope that when I’m confronted with a zombie apocalypse, that I’ll have someone as supportive and nurturing as Daniels.

They find a shack in the woods. Inside, Daniels finds April’s dead body, but he doesn’t tell Jeff. Daniels explains that they are going to create a trap. “What are we using for bait?” wonders Jeff. The next scene shows Jeff hanging from a tree from his waist, shouting, “Oh, no. There’s no way I’m going through with this!” as Daniels chuckles. I like how it’s assumed that Jeff remained silent while Daniels tied him around the waist and pulled him up the tree, and it wasn’t until he was dangling ten feet in the air before he realized what a terrible idea this was. Eventually, Jeff agrees to stay up there as bait as long as he has a chainsaw.

Zombies begin to appear. Jeff starts shouting for Daniels, but he’s nowhere to be seen. The zombies are trying to get at Jeff. One of the zombies starts hitting Jeff like piñata with a tree branch. We see that despite the screams, Daniels was asleep less than 10 feet away. He starts shooting at zombies while Jeff uses his chainsaw. One by one, the zombies fall. Jeff drops the chainsaw. Bride Zombie picks up the chainsaw and Daniels saves Jeff just in time with a handy mirror. They let Bride Zombie wander away slowly with the chainsaw. I’m sure that’ll work out just fine.

Daniels and Jeff are walking through the woods in search of Bride Zombie. They hear the chainsaw behind a bush. They rush the bush and find the chainsaw on the ground. IT’S A TRAP! Bride Zombie uses an arrow and stabs Daniels in the heart. She picks up the chainsaw and begins chasing Jeff. What follows is one of those victim-running/monster-walking chases that only seem to work in horror movies. Despite Jeff’s running, Bride Zombie is always walking right behind him. Finally, Jeff gets a lead, BUT HE STEPS INTO A BEAR TRAP! He removes the trap and limps back to the shack, where he discovers April’s body. Bride Zombie comes crashing into the shack, but Jeff has transformed into Revenge-Driven Jeff and pulls out a machete from what looks like his jacket pocket. He decapitates her with one swing while she simultaneously impales him with the chainsaw. As he dies, he whispers, “April.”

As the sun goes down, Zoe is looking out her window wondering where Jeff is. After waiting patiently for over 12 hours, she writes a note (JEFF – WENT FOR HELP! – Z) and leaves it on the fridge. As she is leaving, she discovers that the zombies have the house surrounded AND THEY’VE BROUGHT A FOG MACHINE! She picks up the phone at the precise moment a zombie rips the phone line out. One of them breaks through the kitchen window and Zoe starts to freak out. She grabs some knives, crying, wondering if she’ll ever get her degree in aerobics.

Suddenly she remembers something Daniel said earlier, something about how the zombies respond to fear. She goes to the front door and opens it, pretending to smile and saying how nice it is to see everyone. She invites the confused zombies into the house. She cheerfully makes them “a recipe that’s been in [her] family for generations” which looks suspiciously like canned baked beans. She sits down with them. One of the zombies gets a little frisky with her. When she gets up to get a drink, Zoe comes up with a plan to trap them in the basement. She finds the zombies in the living room looking at some pictures of people dancing. She tells them the best place to dance is in the basement.

Zoe and the zombies go to the basement. She brings the record player, but “forgets” the records. As she’s going up the stairs, one of the zombies finds a record and realizes it’s a trap. She starts running, and of course, she trips. But have no fear, she makes it up and closes the basement door just in time. The zombies start to fall apart and eat one another. The TV, still in the basement, appears to reclaim the zombies with a reverse smoke effect. The screen says THE END before turning to static.

Zoe leaves the house hesitantly. It’s daytime again. She wanders off as the screen fades to black.

But wait, there’s more. Zoe parents show up at a hospital. They don’t know how this could have happened with them being such good parents and all. They enter a room where Zoe is sitting up on a bed in some kind of catatonic state. They ask her if she slept well. The father says, “Heck, I slept like a ton of bricks. I always sleep best in the fall.”  This is immediately followed by the mother saying, “Well, we’re off to do some shopping, honey. But before we go, we have a little surprise for you.” The father nods, smiling, and opens the door. An attendant brings in the TV.

The parents leave (it’s worth noting that their visit is less than 45 seconds) and the attendant turns on the TV. On the screen is the zombie who keeps looking at the camera. Zoe starts to scream as the credits kick in.

 

Somehow, The Video Dead is better than I remember. There’s an anything goes quality to it that I really enjoy; a lot of ideas with no real follow through: A haunted television set. Zombies. Cowboys. The Institute to the Studies of the Occult. A zombie hunter named Garbage Man inside a haunted television. A Spanish maid. Zombies that want to dance. And then there are the questions: How come one moment the zombies are capable of using tools and communicating, but as soon as they’re locked in a basement, they go crazy? Are these zombies with a severe case of separation anxiety? Who is the Garbage Man? Was he a real person trapped in the TV? What was the woman in the TV all about? Was she a zombie? If so, why couldn’t the other zombies change their appearance? Why do the zombies eat April but cut up and decorate Jordan? Why are the people living in the house constantly being woken up by people at the door?

Despite the questions I have, I love how the movie feels like a bunch of friends got together to make a fun horror. And it’s amazing how much I can forgive a terrible movie for giving off such a fantastic vibe.

It’s a shame they haven’t made The Digital Dead yet.

This is TOO SOON.