All Hallow’s Lee – HOWLING 2
Hot Werewolves and Dirty Clubs
A Review of The Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf
I said to myself, SELF! You know what you need? More NEW WAVE! And WEREWOLVES! Heck, while you’re at it, get you some of that supernatural silver fox, Sir Christopher Lee. But then I lamented. I yearned. I searched. For where can one find new wave, werewolves, and Christopher Lee?
In THE HOWLING 2!
Do it. Watch the trailer. Tell me it doesn’t suck you in. Punk rockers, synthy theme song, hot werewolves, dirty club, Christopher Lee trying to blend in by wearing wraparound, white shades. Bazinga. 80s horror masterpiece. I mean, if you day-drink to it. Elsewise, don’t mistake me, the Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf (also known as Howling 2: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch) is a shit cabin of a film built with logs of half-assed eroticism, choppy editing, flat acting, and bad writing.
So, yeah, I loved it.
What we got here is Christopher Lee as stone-faced Stefan – werewolf expert. Stefan is at the funeral of a recently deceased journalist whom he wants to stab through the heart with a silver stake. Because, ya know, you kill werewolves with silver stakes as often as silver bullets. Muscle-necked Ben doesn’t want his dead sister poked by some nutty old fella, but plucky reporter Jenny convinces him that Stefan knows his shit.
…and then Christopher Lee is in a new wave club where Mick Jaggers’ ex-girlfriend (Marsha Hunt as Mariana [Werewolf Warrior]) is prowling for douche-holes to eat.
To quote the Talking Heads, “Well…how did I get here?”
There’s no time for existentialism. Let’s take a brief quiz instead:
Would you follow a broad who looks like she despises you on your motorcycle into an abandoned building on the outskirts of town? Would you then threaten to rape her while wielding an inch-long shiv as your friend waves a chained-fist?
If you say yes, you deserve a MAULING by a WEREWOLF GANG.
…but then Stefan and company (villains included) are in Transylvania. Yup, everyone. Because Stirba must be slayed.
Who the hell is Stirba? I HAVE NO IDEA! She is sometimes called the Daughter of Satan. She calls herself the Great Mother of Harlots. Supposedly, she is ten millennia old, but it is Sybil Danning looking like a Mötley Crüe video vixen who just came from a Mad Max party. What we know is this: she likes tearing off her shirt and other people’s shirts. Which is why the last half of this movie is awesome. CONSENTING TITS EVERYWHERE! Plus, a wacky werewolf threesome.
Maybe Stirba’s castle-banging echoes into the village because townies are horndogging it in the square. It ain’t long before Jenny is all “Ben, bang hold me.” Then, *boom* sex in a vampire hotel.
Vampire Sex Hotel. Band named. I called it.
But we can’t focus on the boobs, blurry hands, and werewolf hairball sex sounds because Christopher Lee, Jenny, and Ben are searching for Stirba.
Does any of this make sense? No? I KNOW! It is ridiculous and gets more WTF because before Christopher Lee leaves Jenny and Ben to their boning he tells them that, in this the age before cell phones, their best way of contacting him is through the WEREWOLF PUPPET SHOW IN THE CENTER OF TOWN.
This movie is effing majestic.
Ben and Jenny are overflowing with good decisions and thoughtful conversation after meat-stuffing the pink envelope. They towel off, head to the square, then…
“Do you see that dwarf starring at us?”
“Should we follow him?”
WHAT?????? ::brain explodes::
Let me pause and collect myself. I mean. I have so many questions:
Why do werewolves insist on wearing sunglasses indoors?
What the hell kinda creature crawled outta that dude’s mouth?
Who the hell brings a shiv to a werewolf fight? YOU, SIR, ARE NOT PREPARED.
How do you make a werewolf threesome boring? How? Weird.
What did you blow-up Christopher Lee? Was that a werewolf? I AM SO CONFUSED.
Did I just see a dude in a Master-Blaster helmet?
Is that a leather bathing suit?
I’m gonna slide you the pie and skip the sprouts. This movie is fabulously horrendous, but really, all you need to watch is the last ten minutes…and yes, you can find the whole thing online. BUT! If you watch the last ten minutes, you get the good stuff. You get Christopher Lee saying he’s gonna spear Stirba (yowza!), flames, fisticuffs, werewolf magic (because I guess that exists), a person’s face bloats and almost explodes, crotch-high boots, and a crapton of jugs. Seriously smalls, Stirba rips off her shirt in the credits at least seventeen times. Not joking. I counted.
What more do you need?
Go get your werewolf bitch on.