Normally I would have a long and completely unnecessary introduction before I dive into one of my reviews. I do this for several reasons, as primarily it provides me with an opportunity to write about whatever I choose and then hopefully find a novel way of tying it to the movie I watched and am reviewing. I like to think of it as flexing my creative muscles, but Anna pretty much thinks it is me showing off.
The other reason I write my reviews this way is because I want to use a style that is different then anything else you might have read. My experiences tie heavily into how I view a film, and by providing you the reader with insight into them it is my hope that it present you with a unique opportunity to see just what makes my brain tick. Or maybe not. It isn’t much more then a theory at this point.
But Starcrash is an entirely different animal then most of the other films I have watched for this site. For one, it stars David Hasselhoff, a man who I am powerless to resist. His very presence turns even the worst film or television show into an irresistible elixir. I knew going in to this screening there was no way I could ever hate this film, but what I was not expecting to endure what I could only describe as an utterly transcendent experience.
Now I don’t remember the first time I watched Star Wars, but I must assume it felt much like it did when I sat down and watched Starcrash for the first time. I can assume this because Starcrash apes Star Wars again and again. Starting with an opening shot of a giant space ship slowly scrolling across the screen, to the rogue pilot and his busy haired navigator (who looks suspiciously like The Greatest American Hero), to even the use of lightsabers, giant world destroying space stations, evil emperors and so on and so forth all the way down to having a robot sidekick that provides comedy relief. The blatantly honest thievery of Star Wars’ plot points and ideas is to be admired.
But in an interesting twist, Starcrash does have a few ideas of its own, like having two of its heroes trapped on a world entirely made up of ice and snow. Fearing that the weakest member might parish, the other companion somehow finds a way to keep their partner’s core temperature just high enough to survive through the blisteringly cold night. At first glance this might seem like they are simply stealing even more ideas from The Empire Strikes Back, but Starcrash was released in late 1978, nearly a year and a half before The Empire Strikes Back was released!
But wait, there is more! In yet another head scratching bit of time traveling skulduggery Starcrash also has its hero fleeing from a giant stop-motion monster. Now sure, it is obvious that this is truly stolen from the great Harryhausen production Jason and the Argonauts, but that Return of the Jedi would also co-opt such fare is almost jaw droppingly ironic. Hey George, maybe you should have remembered to re-visit Starcrash before you made the prequels?
But Starcrash doesn’t merely steal from Star Wars and Ray Harryhausen, oh no, it somehow manages to borrow all manner of pop culture icons for its own use. Like the weird space cop who looks eerily like Telly Savalas, except that he’s painted blue. Or what about the robot who not only kind of sounds like a southern version of Twiki from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, but looks like Robby the Robot after gastric bypass surgery. And if that isn’t enough I double dare someone to claim that the villain doesn’t look like Ming the Merciless with a mullet. The layers of science fiction chicanery were absolutely boundless. Bravo Starcrash. Bravo!
Compounding the ridiculous smörgåsbord of science fiction franchises was the laughably bad dialogue that delicately bobbed and weaved between inane (We’ve received some troubling retorts from our spies!) and absurd (Die robot!). There is even an intricate side plot on how one character can see into the future. When questioned on why he never revealed this particular talent he merely responds “Because you would have tried to change the future. And that is illegal”. Seriously, I don’t even know what that means.
Thankfully Starcrash dropped the whole subject by the time the scene ended. But I think my favorite bit of dialogue was when the courageous crew was preparing to enter hyperspace to traverse the galaxy. One of the crew made sure to inform the audience that entering hyperspace would enable them to travel a distance that would normally take them a year in a mere two hours. But then, and I totally swear I am not making this up, less then 5 seconds into the hyperspace sequence the ship returns to normal and we here a cheer of “We’ve arrived” Such beautifully stupid moments are the true delicacy of Starcrash.
But I suppose you want me to tell you about Christopher Plummer. Did he take the part seriously? Or did he realize that this project was utterly beneath him and hammed it up like he did in the brilliantly underrated Dragnet. The funny thing is Christopher Plummer gives what would normally be considered a pretty solid performance. He’s serious and regal at all the proper times and doses. But since he is only one of two actors who isn’t dubbed (take a guess at who the other is) the entire performance comes across as overly serious and borderline campy.
But the true genius of Starcrash is in its other leading man, who really is just a minor character who doesn’t appear until an hour into the film but gets top billing anyways, The Hoff. During his initial appearance he appears wearing what can only be described as a Zardoz mask, a device of enormous power, then he promptly tosses it away when the troglodytes attack. Oh yeah, Starcrash has troglodytes AND Amazons. By their inclusion alone you might begin to fathom the epic nature of this film. But when The Hoff removes his mask and the soft lighting gazes upon his lovely visage you notice that his eyeliner accentuates his eyes, while his delicately powdered face and ample cheek rouge only heighten his powerful stature. He is as pretty as a China doll, and I mean that in the most virile way possible.
Now I was a bit uneasy at first at The Hoff’s rather ungainly initial appearance, as I worried that Starcrash might not take advantage of the fully operation battle station of awesome that he is. Then when the film’s token Jedi appears and saves The Hoff and his special lady friend from even more troglodytes I became a bit unnerved. I mean, I love lightsabers and Jedis and all, but this is The Hoff we are talking about. You don’t have him play second fiddle to anyone, not even The Greatest American Hero lightsaber wielding Jedi hero of the film. But even though Starcrash seemed content to have The Hoff play a meaningless subsidiary I was still giggling with girlish glee at the thought that I had found a movie that had both lightsabers and The Hoff in it. I mean, how can you top that?
But then it happened.
The Jedi was struck down and the lightsaber tumbled out of his grasp. Who would wield it and save Starcrash’s female equivalent of Han Solo, who also happens to always be wearing a bikini for no apparent reason, from certain doom? Well my little China girl says “Oh baby just you shut your mouth” as he picks up the lightsaber and defends the fair maiden while my no-no place puked happiness. The Hoff wielding a lightsaber?!?! Screw the Caine-Hackman theory, this is my thesis man! This is my closing argument! I CAN STOP WATCHING THIS MOVIE!!!
