I’ve always had a thing for remakes and sequels, remakes especially. While sequels almost inevitably attempt to re-create the same formula that was so successful in the original installment, with remakes you are opening a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. Sometimes you’ll get the exact same movie (Psycho), other times you will get something stylistically different but just as effective as the original (Invasion of the Body Snatchers), but on those extra special occasions you’ll get something not just wholly different but just as unique a creation as the original (The Bicycle Thief/Pee Wee’s Big Adventure). And one of my favorite childhood movies just happened to be a remake, only I didn’t know it at the time and the director refuses to acknowledge it as such, and that was Star Wars (The Hidden Fortress).
Show me a child of the 80′s that didn’t like Star Wars and I will show you a liar. While Star Wars captivated nearly everyone’s imagination it might as well have been crack cocaine to my adolescent brain. I was a junkie from the moment I saw that first Star Destroyer appear on screen. This addiction has followed me well into adulthood. I own the movies, the television shows, the television movies; I even have a copy of the infamous Holiday Special. I have posters and books and Japanese sculptures of several characters and I have the toys. Oh the toys, toys, toys.
When I watched The 40 Year Old Virgin for the first time with my parents my father made a rather noteworthy comment. As Andy (Steve Carell) was going through his montage of hobbies my father said simply “He kind of reminds me of Matt.” Now I’m pretty sure he meant that as a compliment, and if not I’m going to take it that way anyways. But the reason why he compared us is probably because of my boxes, I’m emphasizing the plural, of Star Wars toys. To firmly entrench my nerd cred a bit more, I have so many figures that in one apartment I lived in I made a border of figures around the entire room. At the time I thought it was cool, but I was pretty young and naive then at the tender age of 26.
But with this great love of Star Wars I developed a soft spot for anything that shamelessly rips it off. Blame it on my IG-88 man crush or my admiration of Max Reebo but something was needed to fill that empty chasm in my soul that was laid bare after Return of the Jedi. So I moved from an iconic franchise to forgettable one-offs, always content to bask in the nostalgia of Star Wars. But somehow during this time, I never watched Starchaser: The Legend of Orin, nor even remember an ad campaign for it when it was released in theaters during Thanksgiving of ’85, though I’m guessing I probably still hadn’t come down from my Back to the Future high. And rather then continue to examine that hole in my pop culture lexicon I decided to rent the movie and just apply a bit of cinematic epoxy to that gap.
It doesn’t take long into Starchaser: The Legend of Orin to realize this isn’t really a kids movie. Granted, a year later Transformers: The Movie would up the ante with the wholesale slaughter of nearly every character from the original television show, killing off two seemingly major human characters is not something commonly found in mainstream American children’s films. Toss in the relatively violent ways in which they die (one is whipped to death while the other has their neck crushed by a giant robot) and you can bet legions of parents were demanding refunds from theater managers while their crying children were attempting to stave off the inevitable nightmares that would visit them later that evening. Needless to say this choice in violent subject matter had me intrigued and much to my enjoyment the film blithely continued on this disastrous path of poorly catering to adults in a children’s film. Soon enough you have organ harvesting Mandroids, a female robot who’s single ambition is having sex with her human owner, and an unnecessary and totally from left-field enema joke. Hell, when Batman came out in 1989 I was 13 years old and I could barely register an enema joke then. Why the makers of Starchaser: The Legend of Orin felt that what their film needed was an enema joke is beyond my comprehensive skills.
Coupled with the rampant adult themes was the atrocious voice acting, the likes of which I could scarcely fathom was actually occurring in an animated film. From the blind kid’s over-the-top pouting as a cheap replacement for crying when his only family member abandons him, to multiple episodes of grunts and moans that resulted in my girlfriend repeatedly questioning me from across the room on just what type of film I was watching. But the near and total disaster of the voice acting can be summed up by this simple exchange between my girlfriend and I:
Anna: What did he just say?
Matt: He called him a digger.
Anna: Are you sure that is what he said?
Matt: Well no, but I think that was their intention.
But I can go on, Starchaser: The Legend of Orin has a reputation of being a blatant Star Wars rip-off, and while that is true at various points in the film (the evil headquarters is clearly the Rebel base from Yavin-4) what Starchaser: The Legend of Orin is most obviously cribbing from is the early 80′s cartoon Thundarr the Barbarian, which in itself is a rip-off of Star Wars (and Conan the Barbarian). From the cheap animation style prevalent during the era to Orin wielding a Sun Sword to characters riding around on Equorts. The similarities were so striking I half expected Ookla the Mok to have a cameo at some point in the film.
Now sure, I could continue on about the films many failings (poor pacing, racist stereotypes, and Orin’s incestuous relationship with his daughter are the types of gaffs that really need to be seen to be believed) but I think the film has taken enough of a beating. Even in spite of its laundry list of failings I actually enjoyed the film quite a bit for a few reasons.
- It made me appreciate the Pixar films even more then I already do. Where Starchaser: The Legend of Orin’s attempts at adding adult themes and jokes into a children’s film were clunky and ill-suited, Pixar simply continues to deftly and seamlessly tackle this same challenge in every film they produce with minimal issues.
- Starchaser: The Legend of Orin fails to such and extreme degree that it is nigh impossible for someone not to laugh at such a meek and feeble attempt at making a successful film.
- Did I mention the film romanticizes incest? I don’t know what kind of psychotropic drug one needs to be on to think such a topic will every play well with an audiences sensibilities, but bravo for giving it the old college try. Bravo!
But while I chuckled my way through the film I can’t in good conscious recommend it to anyone with even a smidgen of good taste. But for those of you who revel in watching bad cinema, Starchaser: The Legend of Orin is one heck of a trump card to throw down the next time your fortitude is challenged.
